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Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel like the entire universe is resting on my back, leaning with it’s feet up comfortably, waiting for me to take it wherever it needs to be.

Sometimes I feel like the world will crumble if I simply take one day for myself, because how can the world possibly turn if I am not fully at it’s disposal?

Katharina is a helper. Katharina is always there when we need her. Katharina always has the answers. Katharina will always say yes.

But today, Katharina is exhausted. Katharina needs compassion. Katharina needs someone to be there for her. Katharina needs the answers.

In a recent therapy session, I shared with my therapist my fears about discovering who I truly am. I told her, “what if this whole time, my entire life, the person who I think I am is not me?”

What if I actually like camping? What if I actually don’t like almond milk? What if I enjoy rock music? What if I wish my soft side is who I was at all times? What if I don’t actually know what I want to do with my life?

A part of me longs for human connection. I want to go on brunch dates with my girls. I want to travel with my best friend around the world. I want to make memories with my siblings.

But a part of me seeks quiet. A part of me seeks total isolation. A part of me wants to disappear to an unknown destination unannounced. A part of me wants to be forgotten.

Life is confusing. I wish I had the answers to all of my questions. I wish I knew exactly how my life would proceed so I can prepare. I wish I had a magic ball that could tell me the future. But I don’t, and it sucks.

Which leads me to the most important question, who am I?

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